The Courage to Couple, Uncouple, & Emerge Prepared to Finally Get it Right
I grew up at a time when dating in high school meant deciding to be connected to someone you liked; someone with whom you developed both a sweet and, let’s face it, teenage hormonal infatuation. It meant talking on the phone until all hours, and being seen as a couple at football games, parties, late night drive-thru runs, and prom. I dated two great guys in high school, but without a doubt, they were in charge. They set the tone, called the shots, and they ultimately decided if, and how long, our relationships lasted. I felt lucky to have their attention and, in spite of being a strong leader in all other facets of my life, I readily handed over the reins feeling much at the mercy of their fancy in these relationships. Looking back, I didn’t believe I was worthy of attention or love, even by my teenage definition; and this weak foundation would set the scene for the next 30 years of my life.
In college, dating was more of a lifestyle. Once coupled, a pseudo-living together situation evolved for many of my college friends and their guys. Meeting for meals, studying in “The Stacks”, (or whatever your college called the library’s Open House), going out on the town at night, and regular sleepovers made easier, if you were lucky enough to have privacy or very understanding roommates. I coupled tightly with my best guy friend late Sophomore year. He was a sweet, smart guy who everyone liked, but in doing so I missed out on a very important dance. The dance through which others vetted prospective partners, tried-on several short-term relationships that lasted only weeks, and were not all about wedding planning as mine ultimately became. I missed out on the fun, sometimes painful, yet critical rituals as a twenty-something, because I was attached at the hip to my college boyfriend. I didn’t get to know what other men were like, or could offer, because I didn’t shop-around. In the end, having no sense of comparison, I settled. I married, and in less than 36 months, I was divorced.
Divorce at a young age is crippling. My first public failure; I felt branded and judged. While my best girlfriend would ultimately describe me as brave for getting out, I knew that the marriage ended because my husband was never really physically attracted to me. I believe he wanted a traditional relationship, and because he was surrounded for years, by friends who were vocal about their hatred for alternative lifestyles, he also settled. When the divorce was granted on the basis of abandonment, and an unwillingness to consummate for over a year, I knew I had chosen poorly.
Still too young and inexperienced to learn from my relationship mistakes, and eager to find physical acceptance as a wife, I quickly coupled again with the man who would become my second husband. He was charming, hard-working and, yet, the victim of abuse as a child. I loved him, but our marriage of twelve years could not survive the increasing, and ultimately violent interference of his family. Uncoupling from that marriage was a slow and calculated process that affected my health; and one from which I am fortunate to have escaped alive. Perhaps the bravest thing I have done to date, the experience of leaving, reflecting, and learning to make careful choices about who I invite into my life, is what fuels everything behind, Be Brave.
It is comforting to know that since my divorce 6 years ago, that I have had one beautiful relationship with a man. Kind, compassionate, and a true gentleman; he helped me to know that I AM capable of being in a healthy partnership; and while after several years we came to a point where we acknowledged wanting different things, the experience positioned me well for whatever is to come next.
For me, being brave now is about how I feel about myself, and how I share myself with the world. No longer willing to be the passive partner who feels inclined to submissively go along with whatever makes my partner happy; I have finally found my relationship voice. Never again, will I settle. I am officially out there on Match and on Our Time. What am I looking for? Certainly NOT validation. Now, I get that from myself. I finally recognize that I have much to offer in the form of brains, confidence, caring with a social conscience, strong faith, loyalty, humor, good looks (IMHO) and a clear sense of the partnership I will ultimately choose.
What will he be like? He’ll be a QUALITY guy. Smart, confident, caring with a social conscience, strong faith, loyalty, humorous, good looking (in my eyes) and he’ll have a clear sense of the partnership he will choose with me. If you believe in the concept of manifesting what you want, as I do; you should know I’m working hard on this practice. If you’re unfamiliar with manifesting, it is the belief that what you focus on you will find. In other words, it is the practice of bringing what you want into your physical reality through your thoughts. Some say its mumbo-jumbo. I say its powerful, like prayer. A version of, “ask and you shall receive.” Professional athletes use it all the time and call it visualization. CEOs call it vision work.
As I’ve shared my journey with others, it is amazing to hear the stories of other women and men who feel they’ve settled for less than they deserved in relationships. No longer a branding of failure; its common to meet people who have been married and divorced more than once. And for those, like me, who continue to believe in love and are brave enough to keep searching, it is sad to see them enter relationships without yet recognizing their own self-worth. For me, the “cure” has been honest, personal reflection, counseling, and self-care. I focus on friendships, faith, fitness, nutrition, sleep, and embracing my empathetic nature. In finally finding myself at 52, I know I stand ready to finally find my true, life partner. And for those of you questioning your relationships, or looking for new love, take to heart the advice given to me by an older, happily married girlfriend, “Never settle.” Let me know if any of this resonates with you and remember, I’ve got your back.
