Courage & the Mask
Do you observe courage in others and wonder what allows them to step up, to speak out, or take action with ease? I do. I’m frequently taken back by individuals who ooze confidence and possess the strength to push forward, and I can hear those of you who know me saying, “But Leanne, that’s you,” as I smile, shake my head, and think, “If you only knew.”
For decades, I thought of myself as less than in spite of the outward success I’ve had in life. To many, my insecurity will come as a surprise because in public, I am gregarious, laugh openly, and speak my mind with ease. Yet, in private moments I have wondered why I am here, what I have to contribute, and how it is that anyone might feel compelled to care about me.
It wasn’t until I turned 50 that I became aware of my mask; the one I’ve been donning for most of my life. I was recovering from a bout of depression and living with chronic fatigue. As I prepared to leave for work one morning, I recognized feelings of vulnerability and stress and knew they were connected to a presentation I would be making to a group of individuals in just over an hour. My materials were ready, my agenda was set. I had carefully planned guiding questions designed to elicit meaningful dialogue, and to increase the likelihood of outcomes that would move the group’s work forward. By all accounts, it would be time well spent, but I was suddenly plagued by feelings of inadequacy. In taking a deep breath and stepping out my front door, I realized that it was my mask that was missing, and I felt a sense of despair as I came to terms with the fact that I had been wearing one unknowingly.
In that moment on my doorstep, I wondered what had caused me to feel inadequate for so long. Was it the challenges I faced as a child who struggled to read? Did the effects of loving a father who drank and smoked too much still reverberate through my body? Could the negative body images from my youth as a dancer with an athletic build still ruminate? The answer to these questions was a resounding, “yes”. And then at once, I took a deep breath, acknowledged that I would cover those thoughts, and go on with my day; and in doing so, I figuratively put on my mask.
Immediately, I wondered, “How long have I been wearing this?” and noticed, how incredibly heavy it was. I reflected and asked, “Is this mask serving me well?” and in a heartbeat I knew the answer was, “No.” The mask had helped me to cope, but it prevented me from living my authentic self and from letting the world know and experience the Leanne I knew, who lived beneath and under its weight. Had it likely caused me to lose myself? Was it a contributing factor in my failed marriages and did it allow me to succeed in positions where I needed a strong exterior in order to function? Of course it was, and it did.
In recent months, as I’ve not been working and have dedicated this time to self-reflection and growth, I’ve come to know that I AM ENOUGH. I am kind, compassionate and vulnerable, in the very best way. I have God-given gifts that allow me to communicate my feelings and am finding a variety of new venues to share what I’ve learned. I have used the act of gratitude for all that I am, and all I am capable of giving to others, as a source of strength — and in doing so, the Universe is rewarding me with unexpected opportunities. In finding my voice, I am throwing the mask away because it no longer serves me well. Others are remarking that I my essence is lighter and more compelling. I am feeling younger and more vibrant, because I have laid down the mask in exchange for my authentic self.
What I’ve learned is that authenticity is perhaps the bravest act of all. Do you now, or have you ever, work a mask? What has it stolen from you? How does it weigh you down? If you want to remove it and need help, I’m here; and when you’re ready to discard it altogether, remember, I’ve got your back.
